At first I thought this film was a massive piss-take. It's called 'Knowing', and the plot is about as banal as every disaster movie ever created since 'Bean- The Ultimate Disaster Movie' which is now well over a decade old. I thought Cage was making a satirical statement about the action film genre: the idea that all action films leave the audience with a sense of 'Knowing' and he is merely playing into the predictability of the movie-world in which he inhabits: the world of the talentless, pantomime Jabbermong. Like Cage, I thought the signs were all hilariously pointing to sarcastic disaster-movie derivatives:
1) Cage *chortle, minor fart escapes* plays a College Professor. Asked how he played the role, Cage said 'It was easy, my Dad was a professor'. Great Nic, nice to know you can earn millions of pounds by simply living life and not having to hone or practice a trade.
That's right, I think i'll play a film about a man who wants to paralyze Nicolas Cage. My basis will be that it's a role I have much experience with, having accidentally broken my friend's leg at a New Year's Party. My film will involve Nic and Me as friends. We get drunk, he falls asleep, and I jump on his back wearing Ice skates. The plot thickens when the police leave, seeing it as an obvious-drunken-New Years-iceskating mishap, and my friend (played by Joaquin Phoenix with prosthetic, sunken eyes) stumbles across the blood-written inscription in my notebook, reading 'Cripple Cage'. The film falls into further calamity and suspense, when crippled Nicolas Cage (who can no longer speak properly due to the severity of his crippling), plots to cripple me back. A sub-plot of comedy runs across the film as Nic trys to convey a simple order of a cheeseburger with his new voice machine (the machine sounds like Cage blended with a lawnmower and Mos Def), and desperately slurs to a hitman (a great cameo by Danny Glover) about plotting my imminent demise. The film reaches its powerful climax when Cage dies a cripple, having anally implanted stem cells which ruptured his insides in a desperate attempt to walk, and I laugh in a five minute scene. However, as contracted by Cage, he does have the last laugh via the sperm bank. Cage donates a sperm to a raunchy, Cathy Bates who has a Cageman kid. This kid, also played by Cage who is, via the genius of CGI, shrunk into the proportions of a Child, sneaks into my house and beats me to death with a golf club shouting in the famous Cage drawl ,'HAR, YA LIKE THAR!'
Got ahead of myself...more hilarious disaster-movie deja vu:
2) Cage's Wife is dead. Oh no, she died in a disaster which is predicted by the timecapsule parchment too! Jeez! It echoes M Night Synahaanaya's Signs almost as if one is sitting in the Bat Cave and Michael Caine's cockney Alfred is serving you a laxative riddled tea. It's also utterly serious with this treatment: The kid can't sleep until seeing 'Mommy and Cage home videos' which he still says goodnight to-*Cage at this point looks silent with his glum, pudding face.
3) Cage runs around with burning people and flying carcasses. It's just so utterly ridiculous it has to be a joke. Cage, attempting to stop natural disasters predicted in the list of random numbers, finds their destination and attempts to 'somehow' stop them. Firstly, his timing is recklessly, suspiciously voyeuristic. Like he's purposely foregoing the 'prevent disaster phase' and is actually going for a spot of Disaster Dogging. He always turns up just as the disaster is about to occur, and he is, in no way prepared to prevent something from happening. He has his feet, and on occasion a baseball bat, which he whacks against trees to deter enemies. If you played him in a computer game, you would simply be committing suicide- and it kinda feels similar to that: how many different ways can Cage encounter death.
The scene when Cage tries to stop a plane from crashing is hilarious. The plane crashes down (Cage, luckily doesn't begin to fly) and, although surrounded by police cars and medics (people far more qualified), Cage bug-runs into the blazing foray. He has nothing in his hands, he has no way of stopping anything- he's not an extinguisher! People are burning and flying out of seats and melting and popping. It's a bit like a microwave is on with people inside, and Cage's big, blue button eyes are staring into it. The camera work is supposed to gross us out with the burning and Cage's 'oh my god, the parchment DOES predict death' realization. When Cage pushes a burning person on the floor to put them out, I was convinced of the Saturday Night Live style comedy.
4) There is a great reference to Dark City's/Crystal Maze's Richard O'Brien. It turns out, the film must be a Scary-Movie style adaptation of Signs: Yes, Aliens are involved and they are somehow implanting 'Dooms Day' predictions, apparently in order to create some entertainment by watching the Professor run about with his son and attempt to survive. There is no need for any of Cage's headless chicken motions, as Aliens are already pseudo-perverting the chosen 'next generation Ipod' children by appearing by their bedsides and story-telling in 80's synth whisper. The Aliens look great, wearing black suits with pale, Richard O'Brien masks. I thought the Alien's were supposed to represent our tired, weary, fucked-off expressions when confronted with the Disaster movie genre- thus they kill and slaughter the whole world with a final, unescapable sun-collision that burns everyone. I thought it was a great laugh building up Cage in an intellectual Jeff Goldblum style- a role which he clearly can't play, and therefore fails in the film at every scene, only creating more panic, and annoyance for people by telling them he predicted it.
I stifled my first laugh into my bowl of popped corn, clearly enjoying this new comic-disaster genre Cage was single-handedly inventing; then I saw their faces. The dads with kids, the senile people, the sleepy dogs sitting on their owners laps. Yes, these weary patrons of the cinema were utterly convinced by the suspension of disbelief: they really thought the world could end like this; with Cage, a prophet of disaster encountering Aliens, and Cage's son becoming a neo-Biblical Adam designed to repopulate some distant 'earth-like' planet.
I then realized Cage wasn't just having a big laugh at disaster movies, and wasn't trying to come across as a pedantic, farcical Action-Professor. He truly, believes he was acting, and creating a passionate, serious dialogue about human survival.
Even more scary, was the realization that Cage wants to become omniscient. He is probably, right now, investing millions of pounds into earth-shattering, quantum-voodoo science he will never understand. This is minced down into babyfood portions by quacks, and fed into him like Christmas Cracker Jokes, via his USB-shaped hair plugs.
Cage would love this power, to know the future, and understand when others around him will die and writhe on the ground. I can see him watching Signs, Heroes, having an empowering asphyxy-wank on a step ladder overlooking the 90th floor New York skyline, and then getting drunk in the bar with the director:
Cage: 'Arr, yerr, I wannar know everything- I wannur play a guy who know evurything about people, plants, Aliens, deaf people'.
The Director (humbling Nic slightly): 'Look Nic, you can't just play a guy who knows everything, there would be no film, and remember, you like to adlib, so the film would have to have plenty of err, direction, for your tremendous acting talent'.
Cage (inspired drunk): 'Why cun I play Garrd, I mean, Garrd, I played arn Angel before, why not now, Garrd. He carrn predict the futarr, and know wharr peeple dooo like real smarrt, intelligul and-'.
Director: 'Ah, predict the future you say Nic...I might possibly have an idea...'.
Cage: 'Ok, Directar, but he has to be real smarrrt, and speak Deaf language and, y'know, die like Jesars.'
If the world does end, it will be because of Nicolas Cage. You have been warned.
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